ModNation Racers

Mario Kart meets LittleBigPlanet.

A near perfect description of this funky little game. I’m not going to lie to you, it’s not the greatest game in the world, if you are looking for racing brilliance – then dig out your SNES and play Super Mario Kart, I sincerely doubt that that game will ever be beaten. But ModNation Racers isn’t just about the racing. It’s about what else you can do. Play. Create. Share.

You can simply create anything in this game, to near developer quality. For example, tracks – you can create F1’s Silverstone in as much detail as you can create Ghost Valley from Mario Kart. The creation tool is that good. As for your racing characters; the choice is endless. No doubt by now you can download anything from the Stig to Spiderman, all user created and both in epic detail.

Oh wait, it actually gets better. You can upload anything you create and allow hundreds of other users to play using your kart/racer/tracks. Get enough of your mates online and you’ll have a blast. It really is good fun. There is that word again: fun.

ModNation Racers – FUN.

7/10.

Final Fantasy XIII

Firstly, I had a whole other review written for this. But after a few more hours worth of gameplay clocked up when I re-read it I decided it was inaccurate. Final Fantasy XIII tricked me. It wowed and possessed me. Like Michael Bay's Transformers, it promises so much and delivers little.

My main gripe is that I really couldn't give a hoot about the characters. In Final Fantasy VII I cared. I wanted them to do well, I wanted to know them. I cared about them all, well maybe not Cait Sith. With this I could quite happily kick Hope off a cliff, the phoenix down eating little sod and I would take great delight in ripping out Vanille's throat so I wouldn't have to listen to that irritating, wispy laugh of hers that drives me perilously close to insanity.

The story is also a letdown so far. There appears to be no tangible baddie. No focus or aim. There is no Sepiroth to my Cloud. No Vadar to my Luke. I couldn't even tell you what the aim of the story is yet and I’m close to 15 hours in.

Oh and quite possibly the worst thing is, even more so that drowning a sack of kittens, there is no victory fanfare!!! I nearly threw up after my first battle through sheer disgust.

For all its issues it is simply the best looking game on any format. Nothing comes close to looking this good. In full 1080p as well with no screen tearing. It makes you wonder how companies like Traveller's Tales and its LEGO franchise can get away with bloody great big rips through the screen when Square-Enix can produce something this gorgeous.

My sources tell me that the game really picks up after about 25 hours(ish) of gameplay. I do not doubt them. But I shouldn't have to wander through 25 hours of tediousness to get to something good.

6 out of 10.....so far.

Happy Battlefield-mas!

I do not know what the single player campaign is like, and quite frankly, I do not care. Battlefield games are all about the Multiplayer! And Oh. My. Word. What a multiplayer Battlefield: Bad Company 2 has!

I'll be honest with you, I'm a sniper. A camping, hiding, sneaky little f****r of a sniper that will blow your head off from a million miles away. If you do happen to come anywhere near me you are likely to have me stab you in the back. While you're staring, with rising fury so pure that you might "Hulk out", at another re-spawn screen, I am cackling away like the Wicked Witch of the West. Oh it is glorious.

The maps are superb and offer a great variation in terrain and locations. From twilight in snowy mountains to a sand storm at a desert port, there is a map everyone will love. Plus, a new downloadable Map Pack is scheduled for next month, it is only going to get better. With customisable soldier classes each player can also tailor each class to his or hers personal needs. A definite improvement on the original.

Some people argue that Battlefield isn't as good as COD online. I call those people "Wrong". It's better. I find it to be a more fun and slightly more arcadey FPS that is a joy to play. Obviously though if you are having an off day you will want to insert your 360/PS3 into the television at an extremely high velocity.

Get it now!

9/10

Sony’s New Heavy-weight Exclusive

If you haven't heard about this game then shame on you! I've been harping on about it for months. And finally, it is here! Heavy Rain. This is not like most games; in fact the best description I can give it is an interactive movie. Trust me; this is not a bad thing. While the plot and story might seem quite linear, every single decision you make effects how the plot unravels. If rumors and speculation are to be believed, then there approximately 20+ different endings.

Obviously you would have massive OCD issues to complete it that many times, or no life, or a bit of both. Anyway, you get the epic scale I'm talking about here. The game looks gorgeous too; even in SD I was surprised at how nice it looked. HD is just a crisp and sleek, gorgeous.

There is a bit of minor negative press about Heavy Rain though. With one of the female characters you are able to see her topless in the shower!!! Disgraceful!! That kind of stuff never appears on TV. Kids cannot access that on the internet!!! How dare it be in a game!! March to Downing Street and get Gormless Brown to nationally burn all copies on a bonfire. Anyone who is even bothered or offended by that should be rounded up and dumped on an Island devoid of technology. Then they can have something to complain about it.

Anyway, yeah - erm get Heavy Rain! You won't be disappointed. If you are I have two fingers to stick up at you.

8.5/10

Save Humanity from the Reapers!

I don’t often buy games on release day; I’m far too cheap for that. However, I made an exception for Mass Effect 2. Oh, how I have been rewarded! I got home and found this lovely little package of joy waiting for me. I hungrily opened it and pelted my way to the 360.

6 hours later, and a bladder held full to the point of explosion I finally went to bed, via a long toilet pit stop. The previous 2 hours were spent insanely muttering “Just one more save point!” to the cat, who sat there judging me. I’m sure it shook it’s head in disgust.

I won’t delve into the story too much; I don’t want to spoil it for you. But it is quite simply a masterfully written RPG. Bioware never ever disappoint when it comes to a story, I tip my hat to the writers. The plot is immersive and addictive. Not to mention you can load your character from the first game and the choices you made in that directly effect your story in this.

Nearly everything is a marked improvement on the excellent first instalment. Better dialogue, better graphics and the side missions actually have varying environments. The first just had the same basic level slightly altered, it did become extremely irritating. Speaking of irritating, I demand that the person who designed the planet scanning portion of Mass Effect 2 receive a public flogging. You tit.

If you have an Xbox 360 and do not own this game then you should have a good long look at yourself and try to figure out where it all went wrong in your life.

You must own this.

9.99 out of 10 (Not quite FFVII)

Retro Time - KOTOR

Star Wars games are usually exceptionally good or shockingly poor. From the appalling Clone Wars: Republic Hero to the utterly sublime X-Wing v TIE Fighter, the spectrum of quality from LucasArts is indeed large. Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic (KOTOR) falls easily into the sublime category.

My fiancée got it for Christmas for me one year. No matter how much pestering and hounding I did she refused to give it to me early. To be perfectly honest, I am still unsure how she resisted the urge to smother me in my sleep after all the whining I did for it. When I did get it, I was initially disappointed. The first few hours were a bit slow and the limited force capabilities and lack of lightsabers began slowly crushing my spirit.

Soon enough you are rewarded for your time and effort. You began to collect parts to assemble your lightsaber and then the story gains momentum. Just like most Bioware RPG’s you can choose your destiny. Are you the Jedi savior seeking to end Lord Revan’s tyranny or are you a Sith master looking to murder and replace him?

Obviously the graphics will now look a little dated compared to the Xbox 360 and PS3 games these days. But quality games are not judged on graphics alone. The story to this game is fantastic. It’s addictive and fresh and it achieves what the new movies failed to. You can’t put it down, you want; no actually you NEED to know what happens. And there is a point in the game where everything is revealed to you and it will completely blow you away. It is so well written that it deserves a specially created section at the Oscars.

(Waves hand like Obi-Wan) “You will play this game!”
9.9/10

Saving your arse!

People, I am literally going to save your arses! The good people of C.A.L.M HQ must be wondering where I have been. But seeing as there is bugger all to review for another few weeks, I thought to myself What else do gamers need? Then bingo!

Yes, yes we need our hands. But when it goes numb or our thumbs start to tingle there is pretty much sod all we can do. And if you want to minimise RSI and arthritis then avoid any version of the PSP like the plague. But we do need our arses!!!

Being the “Inside Gamer” I’m sat on an expensive office chair all day long, to be honest it’s not too bad. But after 3 or 4 hours my amply cushioned cheeks begin to ache. Then you’ve got to waste all that energy moving around. You decide to slouch and put your feet up, “Feet off the desk!” It’s all a bit of a pain in the arse (BAM! Puntastic).

So unless you want to pay £450 for a chair that keeps you comfy for half a day your choices are limited. Now you have these new-fangled “Gaming Chairs”. I would use the word “chair” loosely if I were them. It’s not a chair; it’s a shit lazy amputated rocking chair with crap tinny speakers built into them that sound shitter than a teenager’s mobile phone playing dance tunes on the back of a peasant wagon. I wouldn’t wipe my arse on them (I’m on a roll here!).

So what next? La-z-boy reclainers? Too chunky, like my arse, and far too expensive. There is always the Argos cheap version but I wouldn’t expect that to last a month after its warranty expires. Well I have your arse saving solution right here. Massive epic bean bags.

No I am not taking the piss. I have a giant sized bean bag at home and no matter how long I am attached to it my arse does not get numb! Be it a quick half hour of Pro Evo fun or 18 hours of RPG mayhem my arse remains refreshed. Imagine those lady pad adverts and replace the blue liquid pads with your arse and a bean bag. Do it and feel free to thank me with cash donations later.

Saying that the only thing better would be the replica of Captain Kirk’s command chair that Forbidden Planet are selling, might not be comfy but at least I’d be on the bridge of the Enterprise. Get those donations to me pronto! It’s not cheap.

Comedian does Video Games

There are some things I like in the world, obviously video games are in that list. But I also love a good rant, it doesn't even need to be one of my own. Anyone's rants and moans will do as long as I get a chuckle out of it. For that reason I'm drawn to comedians like Jack Dee, Frankie Boyle to name but a couple.

Their distaste of everything in the world constantly amuses me. A comedian in a similar mold is Charlie Brooker. I follow his column in The Guardian. So on that note I recommend having a read of this weeks article by him, titled, "Why I love Video Games?" Just be sure to read his GTA IV comments at the bottom. To a well balanced human being they make perfect sense.

Charlie Brooker's article.

Damp Christmas

This is the worst Christmas for games that I can remember in a long time. Not including the yearly franchises – your FIFAs and Pro Evos – it has been pretty poor. Just look at the current Multiplatform Top 10:

COD Modern Warfare 2
FIFA 10
Assassin’s (lol ass twice) Creed 2
New Super Mario Brothers Wii
Wii Sports Resort
Wii Fit Plus
Mario and Sonic Winter Games
Lego Indy 2 (crap)
Forza Motorsport 3
Mario Kart Wii

How dull is that list over all? Take away one or two games and it’s as unimpressive as a Christmas cracker prize. So what do I suggest? Save your money. Wait for the New Year sales and pick up some bargains. FM 2010 will be cheaper. Batman: Arkham Asylum should be below the £20 mark. Plus there are some cracking games due out in the New Year. Just click on the game name for some tasty trailers.


Mass Effect 2 - 29/01/2010

Final Fantasy XIII - 09/03/2010

Bioshock 2 - 09/02/2010

Aliens V Predator - 26/02/2010

Battlefield: Bad Company 2 - 05/03/2010

Heavy Rain - 26/02/2010

Lego Indy 2

-Sarcasim Alert- Lego Indy 2! Yeah! Woo! Excellent!

Are you as excited over a Lego version of a crap movie as much as I am?! Yeah, I thought so. Right let’s be honest here, I hate George Lucas. In the last 5 years he has ruined Star Wars but not content with that massacre he has now cast he tainted hand over Indy. Indy 4 was an utter disgrace....swinging monkeys showing “Mutt” how to catch up with Motorbikes?!!! Oh just F*** off George. I was not expecting much from this game and that’s precisely what I got.

The original Lego Indy wasn’t up to much. It was an average platformer that was averagely designed. It was always going to be hard for Travellers’ Tales to follow the excellent Lego Star Wars. Lego Indy 1 was okay. Wasn’t bad wasn’t good. Just okay. Now imagine the design process for Lego Indy 1:

“Shall we make a level out of this bit of the movie?”
“Nah, it’s a bit poo. It wouldn’t be any good.”

Well it appears all the rejected ideas from the first game have made it into this game. Plus some new levels from the shambolic forth film. Some of the levels are tediously long and dull and as for the boss fights, whoever came up with them should be shot. I can’t stress how crap some of them are. The Lego franchise has always been about family. Games families can play. Only a below average intelligence 5 year old wouldn’t get bored of this quickly.

The graphics aren’t up to much either. When you’ve got a game like COD Modern Warfare 2 running graphics like that there is absolutely no excuse for a 3-D platformer to have screen tearing. And it has a lot of it. It’s lazy and poor. But that pretty much sums up most of Travellers’ Tales recent games. They appear to be fresh out of ideas and are playing it safe. Lego “Blah” and Lego “Mundane”. It might be working for them for now financially, but sooner or later they are going to have to do something as fresh like the Original Lego Star Wars game or suffer for selling out to a Lego franchise that is already tired.

My advice, just replay Lego Star Wars again, save your money. 3 out of 10.

Pro Evo! Pro Evo!

OH. MY. GOD! (OMG to you net nerds out there). It’s nearly here! Happy Pro Evolution Soccer 2010 Day! Where to start? Ok, what was s**t last year? Online! What is smooth as silk this year? Online!!! Sorry to quote Ric Flair but Wooooooooooooooooooooo!

How do I know this before release date? Well yours truly has managed to wangle doing the Online Beta Demo trial for Konami. Yes, that’s correct, I have spent every single night this week sat in front of my HDTV playing a demo and loving every single second of it. You will not be disappointed. Lag is just an awful memory from 12 months ago now. See, even Quagmire approves...Giggerty.

Thank god they listened because quite simply I don’t think Pro Evo could’ve taken another year getting blatted all over the shop by FIFA. While FIFA is arguably (I’d argue against by the way) a better game, Pro Evo is my footballing choice.

On a completely unbiased front, Pro Evo does have the best mode of any football game on the market, Master League. This year’s is even better. Beautifully melded into the Master League are the UEFA Champions League and the Europa League. Complete with all the fancy classical music and UEFA graphics to make it that little bit extra special. Oh and now the Master League has real money! No more points for players, cold hard cash all the way baby.

Oh god, roll on Friday! Now just to find the best release day deal. If you hear of one be sure to let us know!

8/10

Like this, I do not

Have you seen the Star Wars animated TV series? It’s not bad ya know, although that might have something to do with George Lucas having a hands off approach with it. Everything he’s touched recently has turned to s**t (The new Indy film and the Star Wars prequels make me so angry!!!). Anyway enough bitter nerd ranting, onto the game. Star Wars: Republic Heroes. I’m trying to pick the right word here - Terrible? Lazy? Poor? Take your pick, but if I was a member of Krome Studios I would be embarrassed to be associated with this game.

First off, the graphics. It’s what everyone notices first so let’s talk about that. I couldn’t believe it was a next-gen game. Honestly, it looks like early PS2/Original Xbox. There is absolutely no excuse for a game to look this poor. It’s dreadful to be honest. So much so that I would recommend playing this on a standard CRT TV, which will mask some of the unsightly and shoddy graphics. First time SD is better than HD!!!

Right we all know that graphics aren’t the be all and end all of games, just look at some of the great games on the DS. Hopefully the gameplay will make up for its lack of looks right? Wrong. It is an absolute disaster to play. Everything you don’t want is there. Awkward camera angles make it impossible to judge jumps, slow reaction times by your characters cost you life and time. It’s just a ball of frustration wrapped in a covering annoyance.

Even poor Star Wars games can be redeemed by simply having a lightsaber in it, this doesn’t. So much joy is ripped out of your soul because every single dreadful aspect of this game is poor. In fact I can sum it up with one phrase – Half Arsed. 2/10

3 - 2 - 1 - PSP's are Go!

Sony's latest version of the PSP is here! But the question we must ask ourselves is; does anyone really care? Simply answer the following, how many of your friends own a DS? Lots right? Now, how many of your friends own a PSP? Exactly. If you can count more than 5 friends that own a PSP then I will be shocked.

The sad thing is though; it’s actually a decent little piece of kit. The major aspect that Sony continually fails to address is the absolute key factor for consoles, the software to back it up. With the exception of a handful of games, the quality of games on the PSP is shockingly poor. Until this is addressed Sony can reinvent the PSP until they are blue in the face. It still won't matter.

So what's new with this one? Well firstly, the UMD drive has been removed and the PSP Go now contains just flash memory and a memory stick slot. So now to buy your games you must register on for their online store, PSN. Now some of you may be thinking, what about all my UMD movies and games that I already have? Can I still use them? Simply, no. Your whole library of PSP entertainment is now useless. Nice little earner if you can get it. Make people re-buy what they already had. Apparently there is some bizarre and complicated method to make a very limited and select few games work. Customer care all over the place there.

Another fault with the PSP Go is the price. £199.99. Now let's put that in perspective for you, for that amount of money you can buy the following:

Xbox 360 Elite with FIFA 10 and Halo: ODST
Nintendo Wii, Wii Sports, Wii Sports plus, Wii Motion Plus and any 2 various of 8 chart games. (You'll still have £30 spare by the way)
2 (That's TWO) Nintendo DS's.

Hell, for an extra £40 you can get the new PS3 Slim with 3 chart games. Need I go on? It's a ludicrous price for something that's desperately trying to be an iPod Touch/iPhone. The problem is, it's simply not as good and doesn't have any of those juicy apps that you can get from iTunes.

Now speaking of iTunes apps, Sony's latest idea to coincide with the PSP Go is PSP Mini's. To cut to the chase these are games that are available for other formats, such as the iPhone, which can now be downloaded for your PSP. The only problem is, the majority of them is crap. Quantity over quality will be Sony's downfall with the PSP.

Finally, the other problem I've had with the PSP from day one is the controls. They are so uncomfortable that it feels like it's trying to cripple my hands. It's like some sort of torture. You'd hope with experience Sony would right this wrong. But they haven't. If anything they've actually made it worse. From the moment you pick it up you just know that RSI (Repetitive Strain Injury) if you play it for longer than 5 minutes a week. It's just horrible.

I want to like the PSP. It's a good little idea, a good piece of tech and with the right people directing it would give the DS and the iPhone a good run. But until someone realises it's the software that's the issue rather than the hardware it's going to be a forgotten console mocked in 20 years’ time just like Betamax.

Save your money, buy anything on the list above.

The Punisher - What an apt name for this game!

Well I've told you about what games to buy, so how about one not to buy? Well, let me introduce you to The Punisher.

Firstly, no matter what price you see this game for, including one lowly pence, do NOT buy it. You will feel like you've just been mugged the instant you reach gameplay. I am not even sure the English language is descriptive enough for me to accurately portray how poor this game really is. But I am willing to give it a go!

By looking at the graphics you would have an extremely hard time guessing that this is a next gen title. In fact it looks so bad it could've been created by a bunch of toddlers standing 6 foot away from a book of paint by numbers launching tins of paint at it trying to be as accurate as possible. It may have looked good once, but that would've been in the 90's on the original PlayStation. These days it’s simply not good enough.

To be honest the graphics are the last of its problems. The gameplay is nothing short of abysmal. You really have got to wonder who thought taking the gameplay in a kind of online only route but not needing to be online was good. Then you've got to wonder who then said "Great idea! Let’s do it!” Both should be tortured slowly for crimes against the gaming world.

Right the positives. There's nothing good about this game. There really isn't. It's just a waste of shelf space in the games stores and for those people who bought it, I understand your pain at buying something that will be the worst purchase you have, and ever will make in your life.

Utterly shocking. 0/10

Christmas Crackers!

Well it's the time of the year that every single Publisher and Developer in the gaming industry relies upon, Christmas. With the global economy still in, or recovering from, a global recession this period is vital to the gaming industry as a whole.

Shoddy re-hashes will not do. Gamers want value and quality for their money these days and the developers will have to rise to the challenge. This attitude can be seen already with some of the bigger titles (Mass Effect 2, Bioshock 2, Aliens vs Predator to name but a few) being delayed until the New Year to allow for them to be completed to the desired quality.

Anyway, onto the games!

Number 1 on almost every gamers list has to be Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2. The first instalment was detailed and sexy beyond belief. If the new one is improved, evenly by the slightest amount, in every area then it will be worth every single penny of your money. Take a look:
Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 Trailer
And let's be honest, the best thing about COD is the online portion. I can't wait!
Available on Xbox 360 and PS3 on the 10/11/2009

Number 2; This is actually going to be a tie between two games. It is totally down to personal choice. Pro Evolution Soccer 2010 or FIFA 10. I have reviewed the previous instalments of these games so lets cut to the chase, the trailers!
Pro Evolution Soccer 2010 Trailer
FIFA 10 Trailer
Now, we all know that Pro Evo is playing catch up, how has it done? Only time will tell. With demos for both games now available on PSN and Xbox Live it's time to pick your winner.
FIFA 10 is released on the 02/10/2009 and Pro Evo fans will have to wait until 23/10/2009 for Pro Evolution Soccer 2010.

Ok so where are we? This next one is a PlayStation 3 only title. Uncharted 2: Among Thieves. The original was a bit of a sleeper hit when it was released a few years ago so SCE have a lot to live up to with this follow up. Early reports suggest that it doesn't disappoint, take a look:
Uncharted 2: Among Thieves Trailer
Now that looks pretty good!
Uncharted 2 is released on 16/10/2009

Now, every single person over the age of 25 will be drooling over this next one. New Super Mario Bros. Wii! Enough typing, just watch.
Super Mario Bros. Wii Trailer
Now tell me that won't make you feel 10 years old again on your NES. Dripping with retro but looking as nice as next-gen. What more could you ask?
Super Mario Bros. Wii is released on 27/11/2009

And keeping with Nintendo, The Legend of Zelda returns to the DS. After the critical success of The Legend Of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass we now have The Legend Of Zelda: Spirit Tracks.
The Legend Of Zelda: Spirit Tracks Trailer
The last instalment was the first game I ever played on the DS. I couldn't believe how simple yet addictive it was. It used every single function the DS had to offer, from the microphone right down to even closing the DS to perform tasks!
The Legend Of Zelda: Spirit Tracks is released 04/12/2009

Well there are the Christmas Crackers for this year. You know what to buy yourself and/or the kids. Come back very soon and you'll have a list of the Christmas Turkeys! Those to avoid quicker than your old Aunt with the goatee looking for her Christmas kiss.

Batman: Arkham Asylum.

Zap! Kersplatt! Kapow!

Nah, only kidding. This is not a game based on the camp 1960’s Batman series. Nor is it a game linked to either of the hugely successful Batman Begins and The Dark Knight movies. It stands on its own. And it stands on its own extremely well.

With an excellently written script and a voice cast led by a certain Mark Hamill (if you haven’t instantly thought of Luke Skywalker, then hang your head in shame!). He voices The Joker. And my my my does he voice it well! Completely manic and deranged, his version of The Joker is arguably better than Heath Ledger’s. You will find yourself chuckling away at some of his ramblings and craziness as you progress through the plot.

The game begins with Batman returning the whacky Joker back to Gotham City’s insane asylum; Arkham. Little does he know that The Joker has actually planned ahead and has a trap planned for The Dark Knight. His henchmen have taken control of Arkham Asylum and Batman must restore order and rescue some old friends along the way.

It really is a gorgeous looking game. Even in standard definition the game looks nice, but once on a HDTV you’ll be drooling at how good it looks. With its lovely dark and gothic environment you will enjoy exploring the island and beating up The Jokers Goons.

The fighting system is really good fun but after a while it can become repetitive. Another big negative are the boss fights. These are dreadfully unimaginative and once you figure out the pattern on how to defeat the boss they can be completed quite swiftly, even on a harder difficulty.

But don’t let the negatives put you off this. It is far and away the best comic book game on the market today. It really is smooth and good looking and very easy to play. Batman is the Batman you want. Powerful, decisive and dark. And let’s face, we want a dark and vindictive Batman, dishing out his own style of physical retribution on the scum of Gotham!

I love it.

Score: 8/10