Tardises, Timelines and Family Ties: Drop Me Off at 1966

"It's a man's world", growled James Brown, confidently, in 1966. He was probably right at the time but us blokes have been giving it away piecemeal since.

I don't think I'm alone in feeling like a stressed, confused hermaphrodite in 2009. I need to be sensitive - and powerful; I need to earn more money - but spend more time at home; I need to be a great dad to my son - but not so great that he'll have unrealistic expectations; I'm unnecessary – and essential. If this is my world, why do I wake up every morning wishing I lived on Pluto?

Let's just do a quick (and unerringly accurate) inventory of man's remit 1966 vs 2009. First, 1966:

1) Leave the house at 0830 hours, fully charged on a bacon and egg breakfast cooked by trusty wife
2) Arrive at office and dictate letters to secretary/mistress
3) Strike a deal over a decent claret at lunch
4) Phone wife to deliver instructions for dinner
5) Accidentally leave bowler hat on tube home
6) Return to suburban castle, cursing loss of hat, but cheered by the knowledge that children have long since retired and dinner is on the table
7) Eat, drink brandy, sleep
8) Repeat above, Monday-Friday
9) Unwind by playing a full 18 holes of golf on Saturday and Sunday
10) Spend half an hour on Sunday afternoon awkwardly interacting with offspring, clumsily explaining what it means to be a man, before wife points out that said offspring is only 8 weeks old

Now, how does 2009 measure up?:

1) Wake up at 6am after sleeping in half hour bursts between child's screaming fits
2) Feed children with left hand while shaving with right
3) Leave house while it's still dark
4) Work high-stress job for 10 hours without pause
5) Sprint from last meeting to train station in order to get to child-minder on time, thereby avoiding late fees
6) Wonder what that shooting pain is in heart
7) Pick up, take home, feed and bathe child
8) Cook dinner for exhausted, pregnant wife
9) Wash up
10) Lapse into unconsciousness

This is a blog, so I'm not going to trot out well-researched statistics to prove my point but, purely anecdotally, every young father in the UK is stressed to breaking point. Society demands that we be an equal parent, a housekeeper and an emotional foundation while still performing the traditional role of main bread-winner. It's little wonder schizophrenia diagnoses are at an all time high.

Women, on the other hand, can down-shift, change pace, have a great career then legitimately opt out if they want, or carry on up the ladder if they prefer. My boss, for example, is a mother of three but, loving her job, now runs my department on a 4 day a week basis. My wife, another example, had a stellar career, achieving much at a young age. She loathed the stress though and gleefully switched to a responsibility-free 3 day week as soon as she'd finished her year-long maternity leave. She is earning 60% of what she used to but we now have a little dependent who seems to defecate steep invoices, so our outgoings are higher. Therefore, I need to earn more, ergo, I need be more productive, whilst at the same time working fewer hours so I can perform parenting responsibilities at either end of the day. The laws of physics and the laws of capitalism soon messily collide and the resulting explosion leaves me spattered all over the walls of my over-mortgaged, credit crunched family shoe-box.

If this all sounds faintly misogynistic, it isn't. I absolutely long to be a woman - to have choices and not be tied to a the same relentlessly churning mill until I drop dead. If I can't be a woman, a time machine will suffice. Drop me off at 1966 please!