"May the Flees of One Thousand Camels Infest Your Armpits"

When 2,319 good wholesome Blighty folk were asked, “Have you used any of the following words in the past week?”, the gates of Pottymouthdom flung open...

Results, top five most used British profanities:

1. Shit (90%)
2. Fuck (88%)
3. Bastard (86%)
4. Twat (83%)
5. Bollocks (81%)

The survey by Australian company, Start Ya Bastard, found that nine tenths of Brits are unfazed by swearing and the average Brit swears 14 times a day, according to the research.

78% of people admitted to swearing regularly for no reason [Ed. notes: that’s just fucking mindless] whilst most participants, 98%, admitted to having swore whilst angry at some point in the past. [Ed. notes: 2% of those polled are lying twats].

Alright, alright. It’s not big and it ain’t clever to eff and blind. Any cretin can do that, frankly. But cursing is like licking a nine-volt battery – you know it’s wrong but it sure feels good! And that’s because when you co-habit a tiny little planet with 6.7 billion other wankers you need some form of instant release.

Pent up frustration is the mother of invention, and where fiddlesticks fears to tread, so emerge my favourite expletives: tit-wank, knob-cheese, jiz-stain, dickweed or any phrase calling into question inappropriate relations with your mother. In fact a well executed, “MORON” does wonders for my mental health.

About once a month there is a need to summon from pit of your very existence, a good old fashioned: “Cuuuuuuuuuuuuunt”, with the emphasis on the invisible ‘k’ but for me, the ultimate in put downs are verbose and intellectual - may I close with a Blackadder classic:

“You see, the ancient Greeks, Sir, wrote in legend of a terrible container in which all the evils of the world were trapped. How prophetic they were. All they got wrong was the name. They called it "Pandora's Box," when, of course, they meant "Baldrick's Trousers."