C.A.L.M

ModNation Racers

2010-05-23T17:07:00.006+01:00

Mario Kart meets LittleBigPlanet.

A near perfect description of this funky little game. I’m not going to lie to you, it’s not the greatest game in the world, if you are looking for racing brilliance – then dig out your SNES and play Super Mario Kart, I sincerely doubt that that game will ever be beaten. But ModNation Racers isn’t just about the racing. It’s about what else you can do. Play. Create. Share.

You can simply create anything in this game, to near developer quality. For example, tracks – you can create F1’s Silverstone in as much detail as you can create Ghost Valley from Mario Kart. The creation tool is that good. As for your racing characters; the choice is endless. No doubt by now you can download anything from the Stig to Spiderman, all user created and both in epic detail.

Oh wait, it actually gets better. You can upload anything you create and allow hundreds of other users to play using your kart/racer/tracks. Get enough of your mates online and you’ll have a blast. It really is good fun. There is that word again: fun.

ModNation Racers – FUN.

7/10.

Charity says no

2010-04-11T19:56:00.001+01:00

My mate’s running the London Marathon in a couple of weeks. He may enjoy pain, not sure. Either way he’d better get used to it, I hear he may experience some. I do a bit of running myself but I’m more 5K than 3 Shredded Wheat. Hopefully he’ll get a little boost thinking about some of the good he’s doing for charity.

That good won’t be for Cancer Research UK though, or at least not as part of their “flagship event” otherwise known as the Race for Life. Are you a man who would like to run for Cancer Research for someone you love, knowing that said charity are going to support you with the majority of their media presence? Well tough, ‘cause you can’t. If you’re a bloke you can volunteer and marshal but not, you know, actually be involved.

Maybe they’re keen on calling it their flagship campaign as “the UK’s largest women-only fundraising event” is a useful marketing hook. That’s probably why they’ve put “the UK’s largest women-only fundraising event” on their website, in fact. You can do one of their “Runs for Moore”, which are men only (and no-one’s heard of them), or you can run with anyone and everyone and do the Marathon. Or do a sponsored PS3-a-thon, less Vaseline needed for that one. Probably.

"Most countries have a male-to-female suicide rate of at least four to one. It can't all be down to football results, so why the contradiction?"

2010-04-01T10:53:00.004+01:00

Hail Shortlist. Previously, I'd never seen this free weekly rag as anything more than toilet paper for hard-up London students. This morning I read an exclusive. An exclusive only because of the frequency at which articles like this are published; nine unadulterated columns of press dedicated to this pressing male issue. Depression.

I imagine this is what Beethoven felt like after he put down his quill having shaded in the last semiquaver on his Ninth Symphony, simultaneously inviting a musical maverick street urchin to play it back to his good ear. Stick a fork in me, I'm done.

Don't want to sell myself short here, I've been saying it for years but Andrew Dickens says it so much better: "I'd always feared stigma; as with any 'new' condition, humans are sceptical, lumbering towards understanding it like a gorilla who's just been introduced to flat-pack furniture."

It's just a coincidence it was published on April 1st, I think.

Article here:

Final Fantasy XIII

2010-03-22T17:58:00.005Z

Firstly, I had a whole other review written for this. But after a few more hours worth of gameplay clocked up when I re-read it I decided it was inaccurate. Final Fantasy XIII tricked me. It wowed and possessed me. Like Michael Bay's Transformers, it promises so much and delivers little.

My main gripe is that I really couldn't give a hoot about the characters. In Final Fantasy VII I cared. I wanted them to do well, I wanted to know them. I cared about them all, well maybe not Cait Sith. With this I could quite happily kick Hope off a cliff, the phoenix down eating little sod and I would take great delight in ripping out Vanille's throat so I wouldn't have to listen to that irritating, wispy laugh of hers that drives me perilously close to insanity.

The story is also a letdown so far. There appears to be no tangible baddie. No focus or aim. There is no Sepiroth to my Cloud. No Vadar to my Luke. I couldn't even tell you what the aim of the story is yet and I’m close to 15 hours in.

Oh and quite possibly the worst thing is, even more so that drowning a sack of kittens, there is no victory fanfare!!! I nearly threw up after my first battle through sheer disgust.

For all its issues it is simply the best looking game on any format. Nothing comes close to looking this good. In full 1080p as well with no screen tearing. It makes you wonder how companies like Traveller's Tales and its LEGO franchise can get away with bloody great big rips through the screen when Square-Enix can produce something this gorgeous.

My sources tell me that the game really picks up after about 25 hours(ish) of gameplay. I do not doubt them. But I shouldn't have to wander through 25 hours of tediousness to get to something good.

6 out of 10.....so far.

Happy Battlefield-mas!

2010-03-05T08:50:00.002Z

I do not know what the single player campaign is like, and quite frankly, I do not care. Battlefield games are all about the Multiplayer! And Oh. My. Word. What a multiplayer Battlefield: Bad Company 2 has!

I'll be honest with you, I'm a sniper. A camping, hiding, sneaky little f****r of a sniper that will blow your head off from a million miles away. If you do happen to come anywhere near me you are likely to have me stab you in the back. While you're staring, with rising fury so pure that you might "Hulk out", at another re-spawn screen, I am cackling away like the Wicked Witch of the West. Oh it is glorious.

The maps are superb and offer a great variation in terrain and locations. From twilight in snowy mountains to a sand storm at a desert port, there is a map everyone will love. Plus, a new downloadable Map Pack is scheduled for next month, it is only going to get better. With customisable soldier classes each player can also tailor each class to his or hers personal needs. A definite improvement on the original.

Some people argue that Battlefield isn't as good as COD online. I call those people "Wrong". It's better. I find it to be a more fun and slightly more arcadey FPS that is a joy to play. Obviously though if you are having an off day you will want to insert your 360/PS3 into the television at an extremely high velocity.

Get it now!

9/10

Sony’s New Heavy-weight Exclusive

2010-02-27T13:56:00.004Z

If you haven't heard about this game then shame on you! I've been harping on about it for months. And finally, it is here! Heavy Rain. This is not like most games; in fact the best description I can give it is an interactive movie. Trust me; this is not a bad thing. While the plot and story might seem quite linear, every single decision you make effects how the plot unravels. If rumors and speculation are to be believed, then there approximately 20+ different endings.

Obviously you would have massive OCD issues to complete it that many times, or no life, or a bit of both. Anyway, you get the epic scale I'm talking about here. The game looks gorgeous too; even in SD I was surprised at how nice it looked. HD is just a crisp and sleek, gorgeous.

There is a bit of minor negative press about Heavy Rain though. With one of the female characters you are able to see her topless in the shower!!! Disgraceful!! That kind of stuff never appears on TV. Kids cannot access that on the internet!!! How dare it be in a game!! March to Downing Street and get Gormless Brown to nationally burn all copies on a bonfire. Anyone who is even bothered or offended by that should be rounded up and dumped on an Island devoid of technology. Then they can have something to complain about it.

Anyway, yeah - erm get Heavy Rain! You won't be disappointed. If you are I have two fingers to stick up at you.

8.5/10

Save Humanity from the Reapers!

2010-02-03T21:07:00.003Z

I don’t often buy games on release day; I’m far too cheap for that. However, I made an exception for Mass Effect 2. Oh, how I have been rewarded! I got home and found this lovely little package of joy waiting for me. I hungrily opened it and pelted my way to the 360.

6 hours later, and a bladder held full to the point of explosion I finally went to bed, via a long toilet pit stop. The previous 2 hours were spent insanely muttering “Just one more save point!” to the cat, who sat there judging me. I’m sure it shook it’s head in disgust.

I won’t delve into the story too much; I don’t want to spoil it for you. But it is quite simply a masterfully written RPG. Bioware never ever disappoint when it comes to a story, I tip my hat to the writers. The plot is immersive and addictive. Not to mention you can load your character from the first game and the choices you made in that directly effect your story in this.

Nearly everything is a marked improvement on the excellent first instalment. Better dialogue, better graphics and the side missions actually have varying environments. The first just had the same basic level slightly altered, it did become extremely irritating. Speaking of irritating, I demand that the person who designed the planet scanning portion of Mass Effect 2 receive a public flogging. You tit.

If you have an Xbox 360 and do not own this game then you should have a good long look at yourself and try to figure out where it all went wrong in your life.

You must own this.

9.99 out of 10 (Not quite FFVII)

Lis-ten to the raaaaadiooooooo....

2010-02-01T20:35:00.004Z

This is not a piece about Robbie Williams. Phew. But why oh why oh why can there not be a radio on at work? Amidst the morass of paperwork and emails that many of us suffer, our search for positives can be difficult. I'm afraid I am largely disinterested in discovering the innermost workings of Microsoft Word, instead feeling that this list of bullet points SHOULD JUST BLOODY WELL LINE UP AS I WANT IT TO. No, I am unlikely to gain anything resembling a greater faith in my point of being on this earth while using a spreadsheet so protected that it should feature in a hidden treasure-based fairy tale: "young Geoffrey knew he could win the heart of fair maiden, and restore the wealth of the kingdom, if he could only unlock this f*ckin Purchase Order....".

Sorry. I know the counter arguments - it's distracting, it disturbs people, it's unprofessional. Well, tough titty. Music comes from deep in our collective human past and is almost certainly linked to our evolution from cave dwelling pseudo-thinkers to sophisticated spreadsheet manipulators. See Daniel Levitin's fascinating, This is Your Brain on Music (Atlantic Books, 2007) for more, but suffice to say that music is fundamental to our continuing existence and, I think, a massive force of buoyancy within a never changing environment.

So the campaign starts here. We demand our music! We must have the opportunity for emotional release in that most tedious of moments, 2.24pm, when it's too long after lunch to pretend you're still having it and too far away from declaring the day a write off. Harmony for everybody! Verse chorus verse for the Inbox Proletariat! What's that? That's fine so long as it's Heart FM? Oh, okay, nevermind then.

Retro Time - KOTOR

2010-01-24T09:51:00.006Z

Star Wars games are usually exceptionally good or shockingly poor. From the appalling Clone Wars: Republic Hero to the utterly sublime X-Wing v TIE Fighter, the spectrum of quality from LucasArts is indeed large. Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic (KOTOR) falls easily into the sublime category.

My fiancée got it for Christmas for me one year. No matter how much pestering and hounding I did she refused to give it to me early. To be perfectly honest, I am still unsure how she resisted the urge to smother me in my sleep after all the whining I did for it. When I did get it, I was initially disappointed. The first few hours were a bit slow and the limited force capabilities and lack of lightsabers began slowly crushing my spirit.

Soon enough you are rewarded for your time and effort. You began to collect parts to assemble your lightsaber and then the story gains momentum. Just like most Bioware RPG’s you can choose your destiny. Are you the Jedi savior seeking to end Lord Revan’s tyranny or are you a Sith master looking to murder and replace him?

Obviously the graphics will now look a little dated compared to the Xbox 360 and PS3 games these days. But quality games are not judged on graphics alone. The story to this game is fantastic. It’s addictive and fresh and it achieves what the new movies failed to. You can’t put it down, you want; no actually you NEED to know what happens. And there is a point in the game where everything is revealed to you and it will completely blow you away. It is so well written that it deserves a specially created section at the Oscars.

(Waves hand like Obi-Wan) “You will play this game!”
9.9/10

I Think Ur A Winner

2010-01-18T19:33:00.007Z

This is my third blog about Vampire Weekend so I'll keep it brief. Rather like their new album, in fact. Everything about The Weekenders is tight, nothing goes on longer than it needs to, so Contra was never gonna be a "long" player. But a more pleasing 36 minutes you may be hard pushed to find.

Lead single and opening track "Horchata" has grown on me. On its own it didn't give enough to draw you in, but within the context of the album it's a pleasing start to a collection that combines water-tight tunes reminiscent of the first album ("Holiday", "Cousins") and other numbers that are brave enough to let their attractions unfurl more slowly. "California English" uses Auto Tuned vocals without being annoying, "Run" uses some sinister, jarring harmonies to add depth and closer, "I Think Ur A Contra" is quiet, delicate and very brave.

A development rather than a revolution, but a good one. Upper West Side Soweto still has plenty to offer.

Saving your arse!

2010-01-06T18:26:00.002Z

People, I am literally going to save your arses! The good people of C.A.L.M HQ must be wondering where I have been. But seeing as there is bugger all to review for another few weeks, I thought to myself What else do gamers need? Then bingo!

Yes, yes we need our hands. But when it goes numb or our thumbs start to tingle there is pretty much sod all we can do. And if you want to minimise RSI and arthritis then avoid any version of the PSP like the plague. But we do need our arses!!!

Being the “Inside Gamer” I’m sat on an expensive office chair all day long, to be honest it’s not too bad. But after 3 or 4 hours my amply cushioned cheeks begin to ache. Then you’ve got to waste all that energy moving around. You decide to slouch and put your feet up, “Feet off the desk!” It’s all a bit of a pain in the arse (BAM! Puntastic).

So unless you want to pay £450 for a chair that keeps you comfy for half a day your choices are limited. Now you have these new-fangled “Gaming Chairs”. I would use the word “chair” loosely if I were them. It’s not a chair; it’s a shit lazy amputated rocking chair with crap tinny speakers built into them that sound shitter than a teenager’s mobile phone playing dance tunes on the back of a peasant wagon. I wouldn’t wipe my arse on them (I’m on a roll here!).

So what next? La-z-boy reclainers? Too chunky, like my arse, and far too expensive. There is always the Argos cheap version but I wouldn’t expect that to last a month after its warranty expires. Well I have your arse saving solution right here. Massive epic bean bags.

No I am not taking the piss. I have a giant sized bean bag at home and no matter how long I am attached to it my arse does not get numb! Be it a quick half hour of Pro Evo fun or 18 hours of RPG mayhem my arse remains refreshed. Imagine those lady pad adverts and replace the blue liquid pads with your arse and a bean bag. Do it and feel free to thank me with cash donations later.

Saying that the only thing better would be the replica of Captain Kirk’s command chair that Forbidden Planet are selling, might not be comfy but at least I’d be on the bridge of the Enterprise. Get those donations to me pronto! It’s not cheap.

January is brilliant and here's why

2010-01-04T19:53:00.008Z

I've never had a problem with January, personally. At least no more than the average childhood disappointment: "you are now leaving Present Central and entering I'm Not Made of Money City...". Going back to work is mildly depressing but it's nothing a quick job alert email won't fix.

This all, of course, runs contrary to what the media will tell us, especially when we get the inevitable, "this is officially the most bummed-out day of the year" stories. We will be told that this particular Monday is after Christmas, far from the next pay day, bloomin' cold and that we're all too poor and bored to believe otherwise. Nevermind the fact that not everyone has the same motivations and interests and that not everyone wished they lived in a permanent British summer, such differences are unhelpful for a media desperate to package us into easily understandable and identifiable consumer chicken coups.

So - I am delighted to unveil the answer to all this self-reinforcing, glossy media misery in the form of Vampire Weekend's new single, "Cousins". A fabulously tight blast of Strokesian afro-pop, as busily noisy as it is gloriously upbeat and with a pounding, church bell flavoured coda, it's joy incarnate. The video's a laugh as well. Check it out here.

Stay tuned to CALM for some words on their second album (Contra, XL Recordings) when it comes out on Monday, but for now may I suggest a Rage Against The Machine for Christmas number 1 type campaign (only a bit less vitriolic and for precisely zero pence). May I suggest that every time you hear that January is rubbish you head straight to Koenig and co and grab some Vampire action. If the press are watching they should get the message.

Comedian does Video Games

2009-12-11T17:29:00.002Z

There are some things I like in the world, obviously video games are in that list. But I also love a good rant, it doesn't even need to be one of my own. Anyone's rants and moans will do as long as I get a chuckle out of it. For that reason I'm drawn to comedians like Jack Dee, Frankie Boyle to name but a couple.

Their distaste of everything in the world constantly amuses me. A comedian in a similar mold is Charlie Brooker. I follow his column in The Guardian. So on that note I recommend having a read of this weeks article by him, titled, "Why I love Video Games?" Just be sure to read his GTA IV comments at the bottom. To a well balanced human being they make perfect sense.

Charlie Brooker's article.

Damp Christmas

2009-12-07T20:49:00.004Z

This is the worst Christmas for games that I can remember in a long time. Not including the yearly franchises – your FIFAs and Pro Evos – it has been pretty poor. Just look at the current Multiplatform Top 10:

COD Modern Warfare 2
FIFA 10
Assassin’s (lol ass twice) Creed 2
New Super Mario Brothers Wii
Wii Sports Resort
Wii Fit Plus
Mario and Sonic Winter Games
Lego Indy 2 (crap)
Forza Motorsport 3
Mario Kart Wii

How dull is that list over all? Take away one or two games and it’s as unimpressive as a Christmas cracker prize. So what do I suggest? Save your money. Wait for the New Year sales and pick up some bargains. FM 2010 will be cheaper. Batman: Arkham Asylum should be below the £20 mark. Plus there are some cracking games due out in the New Year. Just click on the game name for some tasty trailers.

Mass Effect 2 - 29/01/2010

Final Fantasy XIII - 09/03/2010

Bioshock 2 - 09/02/2010

Aliens V Predator - 26/02/2010

Battlefield: Bad Company 2 - 05/03/2010

Heavy Rain - 26/02/2010

Stop Foo-ing about!

2009-12-03T20:10:00.003Z

I'd like to think that if I became uber famous and mega rich writing and/or playing music for a living then, at least after the initial shock ("who'd have thought, with Grade 3 Clarinet, woohoo!!"), I'd enjoy the freedom of being able to do anything. I'm not talking groupies and trout (file under Drunken Led Zep Escapades), I mean creatively. Say, for example, that I went stellar with my magnificent blend of Kraftwerkian synth and old school reggae - the last thing I'd want is to think, "god, that sold millions, I'm stuck now. I can't go and produce heavy metal renditions of Austrian folk or I'll lose it all". Surely the point is that you'd probably be alright if you're world renowned and massively popular.

Which brings me to Dave Grohl, modern rock's era-spanning gold-plated aristo-star. Great stuff Dave, love your work, always have. Even new recipe-for-disaster-because-supergroups-are-always-rubbish supergroup Them Crooked Vultures. You, John Paul Jones of the aforementioned Led Zeppelin and Queens of the Stone Age frontman Josh Homme have got enough of a heavy, groovy-but-nuanced thing going on there to (if not silence) then at least distract the doubters for a bit. But what's this I read about you enjoying these side projects because you can kick back and relax with a bit of fun, while the "responsibility" of your own Foo Fighters, "can sometimes be overwhelming" (Mojo, January 2010)? So basically you've got (at least) two bands which you're not driven to engage with artistically.

Hello? The Foo Fighters are your band Dave, remember? If you don't like what it's become then change it. You'd lose a few fans but you're not exactly short of them. If more and more bands keep down this road we won't see too many genuine band progressions anymore. And then where will our Austrian folk-metal fix come from?

Orlando's Greatest Hits. Part 2

2009-11-30T21:23:00.003Z

The Magic Kingdom – Want to see a big massive grand fairy tale castle?! Try Neuschwanstein Castle in Germany (I’ve linkypoo’d that one for you incase you are curious). Ok I might be doing the castle at the Magic Kingdom a bit of a disservice. It is a lovely building but it is awfully tiny. I was quite underwhelmed when I saw it. But then again it’s a big building compared to little kids, and it’s aimed at them really isn’t it?

The majority of the rides are for children – Buzz Lightyear, Haunted Mansion, The Speedway and so on - but they are still great fun. It’s what you make of them. On the Buzz ride, for example, I was having great fun twizzling the ride vehicle around and around and around trying to make my fiancée vomit.

Unfortunately for me the main adult attraction was closed. Space Mountain was getting a much needed re-vamp. I was gutted. When I went on it as a kid it scared the living s**t out of me so I was looking forward to conquering it. It is scheduled to re-open in Winter 2009 (any time then). So hopefully when it does it will continue to put the fear of god into kids.

Rides to avoid. Wheel of Progress. It is about 20 minutes long with no escape. You have to listen to the same cretin in 4 different eras talking about how the world has technologically progressed. Honestly, it’s more fun dipping your hands in hot oil. Oh and then we have “It’s a small world.” Whoever came up with this one was probably sectioned not long afterwards. The fing song was bad enough but the creepy little dolls will scare the kids for weeks. Not believe me? Look at the picture. That’s not fing normal is it?! It takes a warped and disturbed mind to create that! Sweet dreams.

All in all, a cracking day out for the family.

Epcot – This place bored me as a child so I when planning my week I put it in between 2 fun days. Good call – pats self on the back. It is nearly exactly the same as when I was a kid. The only exceptions are Mission: SPACE, Soarin’ (I’ll only say this, utter utter bollocks. I can’t stress this enough) and GM’s Test Track (Oh an 8 seater car doing 60mph. I’ve never done that before. Crap), but we’ll get to that shortly.

Every other ride is the same. So therefore pretty much 15 years out of date. I would go as far as to suggest tearing the entire place down and starting again. The whole point of it is to be futuristic. It looks dated. Someone should tell Disney.

Mission: SPACE, this little bad boy put NASA’s own shuttle simulator to shame. It was brilliant. It has two different ride levels. Green for low intensity (cowards) and Orange for full intensity (men). You will feel a few G’s as it spins you around simulating a shuttle launch and don’t be too surprised to feel a tad dizzy as well.

Is Mission: SPACE worth the admission cost? Probably not. But if you have 7 or 14 day open ticket it is worth a few hours of your time. And the kids will love the fireworks in the evening too.

Next time... Animal Kingdom and Hollywood Studios.

Orlando's Greatest Hits Part 1

2009-11-23T16:00:00.002Z

The kind folk at C.A.L.M. HQ have kindly allowed me to review my recent holiday to Orlando, Florida. Okay, I might have pestered them a teeny tiny bit. There is a lot to discuss so I’m doing it in a few instalments. So shall we get the ball rolling with a positive review?

What is Orlando's best ride? Well, I'm no wimp. I'll try any ride once. I love rollercoasters but bizarrely for me my favourite was not one. The award goes to The Twilight Zone's Tower of Terror at Disney's Hollywood Studios. It's an inventive and exciting as a rollercoaster without the speed and the loops.

Your setting is a 1930's Hollywood hotel. A lightening strike on October 31st transported an elevator carriage of people to The Twilight Zone. With a scorched exterior to the building you must travel in the service elevator. Throughout the queuing process the story unfolds in front of you. With an eerie atmosphere and creepy setting the ride gets your senses tingling.

You travel through a few floors of freaky imagery - all child friendly I might add - and make it to your final destination, the elevator shaft. Everything goes dark. Then there is a lightening strike! Hold on tight, WHAM! I won't ruin what happens next but be prepared for screams from your co-riders and an abundance of adrenaline to be pumping around your body.

It's an exciting and unique ride that should not be missed.

Lego Indy 2

2009-11-22T14:55:00.005Z

-Sarcasim Alert- Lego Indy 2! Yeah! Woo! Excellent!

Are you as excited over a Lego version of a crap movie as much as I am?! Yeah, I thought so. Right let’s be honest here, I hate George Lucas. In the last 5 years he has ruined Star Wars but not content with that massacre he has now cast he tainted hand over Indy. Indy 4 was an utter disgrace....swinging monkeys showing “Mutt” how to catch up with Motorbikes?!!! Oh just F*** off George. I was not expecting much from this game and that’s precisely what I got.

The original Lego Indy wasn’t up to much. It was an average platformer that was averagely designed. It was always going to be hard for Travellers’ Tales to follow the excellent Lego Star Wars. Lego Indy 1 was okay. Wasn’t bad wasn’t good. Just okay. Now imagine the design process for Lego Indy 1:

“Shall we make a level out of this bit of the movie?”
“Nah, it’s a bit poo. It wouldn’t be any good.”

Well it appears all the rejected ideas from the first game have made it into this game. Plus some new levels from the shambolic forth film. Some of the levels are tediously long and dull and as for the boss fights, whoever came up with them should be shot. I can’t stress how crap some of them are. The Lego franchise has always been about family. Games families can play. Only a below average intelligence 5 year old wouldn’t get bored of this quickly.

The graphics aren’t up to much either. When you’ve got a game like COD Modern Warfare 2 running graphics like that there is absolutely no excuse for a 3-D platformer to have screen tearing. And it has a lot of it. It’s lazy and poor. But that pretty much sums up most of Travellers’ Tales recent games. They appear to be fresh out of ideas and are playing it safe. Lego “Blah” and Lego “Mundane”. It might be working for them for now financially, but sooner or later they are going to have to do something as fresh like the Original Lego Star Wars game or suffer for selling out to a Lego franchise that is already tired.

My advice, just replay Lego Star Wars again, save your money. 3 out of 10.

Local music for everybody

2009-11-17T21:17:00.006Z

I'm not made of money. If I were it would be difficult to go out for a drink without people taking chunks out of your leg. BOOM BOOM. But despite such cash conundrums, I deemed it a worthy investment to join Rough Trade's Album Club. The deal is you pay £12 a month to the record shop and they send you an album that they reckon is quite good. Not breaking the bank of course, but I spend far too much money on music as it is, without waiting for someone else to spend my money for me.

Up until this point, the albums that popped through my letterbox were largely ones I had either intended to buy anyway or had a certain curiosity about. Which was useful if slightly unexciting. Until this month, when a band I am perfectly happy to admit I had never heard of had their debut album sent to me. Local Native's Gorilla Manor, in fact. And it was worth the investment, because it's bloody ace. As wonderfully graceful as The Temper Trap but with more bite, as tuneful as Vampire Weekend but more subtle and cleverly arranged, they've played a blinder basically. For those who want a quick introduction I would recommend the majestic "Shape Shifter", which has been running through my head ever since I first heard it.

Tuneful and moreish, yet clever and deep. It touches my guts and my head all at the same time, which is a deeply pleasing experience. Well worth the money.

New.....stuff! It's great, buy it please, wooooo!!!

2009-11-09T20:08:00.008Z

Advertising is often annoying but it's amusing to imagine the thought processes involved. Most clearly in the case of antibacterial wipes, where they have to convey that it will kill all germs ALL GERMS ALL OF THEM ABSOLUTELY NONE LEFT, but also that they feel nicey on your handy-wandys. So they call them Wet Ones, which sounds like the collective term for puppy noses.

Which brings me rather spuriously on to band names. You've got to have a certain amount of chutzpah to call yourself something that is clearly never going to be said in anything even vaguely resembling prime time. A name such as F*ck Buttons, for example. Their latest effort, Tarot Sport, is a very interesting industrially electronic effort, little bits of hook intermingling with harsh but passionate atmospheres. If you fancy something different but engaging then have a go at it. It's not getting anywhere near prime time, of course - so they might as well call themselves something confrontational and anti-mainstream. Thankfully, their name is not even remotely the most interesting thing about them.

Now if they were called the Humpto Bumpadoo Brothers, it might be a different story...

And this is the toilet - oh, not that Cribs.....

2009-10-26T20:02:00.008Z

I have rather fallen for The Cribs' latest album, Ignore The Ignorant. Lest we forget, the Wakefield brothersome combination now have an extra member in the form of Johnny "yes, him from The Smiths, no really, it is actually him" Marr. So a bit like Eric Cantona joining your 5-a-side team then, only with less kung-fu presumably.

First listen led me towards the conclusion that some of the guts and subtle knowing-ness of previous album, Men's Needs, Women's Needs, Whatever had been lost to make way for the more grown-up approach to expression. Although I reckon this is probably still the case, it hasn't allowed me to shift the frantic "We Were Aborted" or the sing-a-long-tastic "We Share The Same Skies" from my massively-foreheaded head. Calmer maybe, but The Cribs still manage to sound like both a tender-hearted pop band and a bunch of bruisers, only now with an added guitar sound that is as beguiling as it is familiar. Check out recent single "Cheat On Me" for an ending straight outta Marr City.

In short, it's a grower.

Pro Evo! Pro Evo!

2009-10-21T17:51:00.004+01:00

OH. MY. GOD! (OMG to you net nerds out there). It’s nearly here! Happy Pro Evolution Soccer 2010 Day! Where to start? Ok, what was s**t last year? Online! What is smooth as silk this year? Online!!! Sorry to quote Ric Flair but Wooooooooooooooooooooo!

How do I know this before release date? Well yours truly has managed to wangle doing the Online Beta Demo trial for Konami. Yes, that’s correct, I have spent every single night this week sat in front of my HDTV playing a demo and loving every single second of it. You will not be disappointed. Lag is just an awful memory from 12 months ago now. See, even Quagmire approves...Giggerty.

Thank god they listened because quite simply I don’t think Pro Evo could’ve taken another year getting blatted all over the shop by FIFA. While FIFA is arguably (I’d argue against by the way) a better game, Pro Evo is my footballing choice.

On a completely unbiased front, Pro Evo does have the best mode of any football game on the market, Master League. This year’s is even better. Beautifully melded into the Master League are the UEFA Champions League and the Europa League. Complete with all the fancy classical music and UEFA graphics to make it that little bit extra special. Oh and now the Master League has real money! No more points for players, cold hard cash all the way baby.

Oh god, roll on Friday! Now just to find the best release day deal. If you hear of one be sure to let us know!

8/10

Hitting the wrong note

2009-10-14T20:46:00.003+01:00

I know it's all for the kiddies, but that's no excuse. Frank Skinner and Lee Mack gallivanting through Europe on the first leg of Children In Need's Around the World in 80 Days was largely as uncontroversial as you'd expect entertainment in the name of charity to be. That's fine. However...why did they have to drag Massive Attack into it?

It is, these days, very standard for a programme of any description (from Top Gear to Property Ladder) to use a vast array of music from a multitude of genres. Secret Machines don't get a look in on Radio 1 but their booming drum-heavy sound will end up showcasing a shiny vehicle (you could tell it was a good one because it was silver and went wooooosh and stuff). And on the aforementioned Save the Kiddies travelogue they even had room for School of Seven Bells amidst the echoes of England's greatest ever football spanking in Budapest.

But then, to accompany a slightly fretful moment involving a Visa (or lack of, seemingly solved pretty quickly by a few bob), we had Massive Attack's "Angel". Sure, they looked a bit anxious, but this is a piece of music so monumentally malevolent that it could (no - should) soundtrack the coming of the devil, something so deeply foreboding that it's throbbing bass refrain feels like it's being played by a ghoul somewhere in the caves of your soul. It's like putting Picasso's Guernica on a cereal box to represent a story about a bunny rabbit with a sad face.

Music and images and context used together well creates something fabulously multi-layered and powerful. Used badly and it's Hollyoaks. Next week Nick from The Apprentice gets his soup served to him slightly too cold to the tune of Mozart's Requiem. Maybe.

Look into the eyes, not around the eyes....

2009-10-12T19:41:00.006+01:00

J Tillman kinda reminds me of Derren Brown, which is not really something I thought I would say. It's not because the J-ster (also known as Joshua, also known as the drummer in Fleet Foxes but not ever known as the J-ster) has a scary wee beard and a strangely hypnotic habit of bobbing his head.

It's more the style of their acts. When I saw the Brown-ster live in 2004(ish) I spent the first 30 minutes wondering how he was doing it and the rest of the show just enjoying the sensational live drama. And superb it was too. The J-master and his band get a groovy countryfied atmosphere going, and to begin with you feel compelled to nitpick, to think, "well, this is all very nice, but is it saying very much, is it pastiche, is it all the same". But then, as his songs begin to grow in length and ambition, you stop thinking about it and let his wonderful massive noise wash over you, slide guitar screeching overheard and tearing at your soul.

He is also a somewhat dry chap, bone dry in fact, deadpanning his way through at first sly digs at music critics and blando pop and then upping the ante through a mid-song rant that goes something like this:

"Critics...hypocrites....when the work of your hand works over the work of other people's hands will it mean anything?!"

My grip tightens on my paid-for ticket. A great show and a great musician, just don't end up having a widdle next to him if you've got a notebook on show.....

Like this, I do not

2009-10-08T22:48:00.002+01:00

Have you seen the Star Wars animated TV series? It’s not bad ya know, although that might have something to do with George Lucas having a hands off approach with it. Everything he’s touched recently has turned to s**t (The new Indy film and the Star Wars prequels make me so angry!!!). Anyway enough bitter nerd ranting, onto the game. Star Wars: Republic Heroes. I’m trying to pick the right word here - Terrible? Lazy? Poor? Take your pick, but if I was a member of Krome Studios I would be embarrassed to be associated with this game.

First off, the graphics. It’s what everyone notices first so let’s talk about that. I couldn’t believe it was a next-gen game. Honestly, it looks like early PS2/Original Xbox. There is absolutely no excuse for a game to look this poor. It’s dreadful to be honest. So much so that I would recommend playing this on a standard CRT TV, which will mask some of the unsightly and shoddy graphics. First time SD is better than HD!!!

Right we all know that graphics aren’t the be all and end all of games, just look at some of the great games on the DS. Hopefully the gameplay will make up for its lack of looks right? Wrong. It is an absolute disaster to play. Everything you don’t want is there. Awkward camera angles make it impossible to judge jumps, slow reaction times by your characters cost you life and time. It’s just a ball of frustration wrapped in a covering annoyance.

Even poor Star Wars games can be redeemed by simply having a lightsaber in it, this doesn’t. So much joy is ripped out of your soul because every single dreadful aspect of this game is poor. In fact I can sum it up with one phrase – Half Arsed. 2/10

Be in bed by nightfall.....

2009-10-04T14:04:00.004+01:00

Hey hey, afro-beat fans, some good news a-foot. Vampire Weekend are at work on their follow up to their rather successful debut and will hopefully be able to quash your post-Christmas blues by releasing it in January. I'm sure there are some who have not been convinced by the idea of posh boys from New York writing songs about university and grammar and using some of that there African pop style to do it. But in my mind,their debut album was one of the most uplifting and fantatistic things to emerge last year. Not to mention the magnificent "M79", which could just be the most brilliant use of strings and harpsichord in a pop song I've ever heard. Ooooooo, bold statement.

Apparently they've gone "Californian", which to them means they've gone "emotional". Most importantly, they've kept the trademark Strokes-meets-Soweto sound. Good work, lads. By the by, if you want something a bit Afro in the meantime (and you've not already sought it out), check out the album by The Very Best, called Warm Heart of Africa. It features some guest vocals by one Ezra Koenig of Vampire Weekend...

3 - 2 - 1 - PSP's are Go!

2009-10-02T20:13:00.003+01:00

Sony's latest version of the PSP is here! But the question we must ask ourselves is; does anyone really care? Simply answer the following, how many of your friends own a DS? Lots right? Now, how many of your friends own a PSP? Exactly. If you can count more than 5 friends that own a PSP then I will be shocked.

The sad thing is though; it’s actually a decent little piece of kit. The major aspect that Sony continually fails to address is the absolute key factor for consoles, the software to back it up. With the exception of a handful of games, the quality of games on the PSP is shockingly poor. Until this is addressed Sony can reinvent the PSP until they are blue in the face. It still won't matter.

So what's new with this one? Well firstly, the UMD drive has been removed and the PSP Go now contains just flash memory and a memory stick slot. So now to buy your games you must register on for their online store, PSN. Now some of you may be thinking, what about all my UMD movies and games that I already have? Can I still use them? Simply, no. Your whole library of PSP entertainment is now useless. Nice little earner if you can get it. Make people re-buy what they already had. Apparently there is some bizarre and complicated method to make a very limited and select few games work. Customer care all over the place there.

Another fault with the PSP Go is the price. £199.99. Now let's put that in perspective for you, for that amount of money you can buy the following:

Xbox 360 Elite with FIFA 10 and Halo: ODST
Nintendo Wii, Wii Sports, Wii Sports plus, Wii Motion Plus and any 2 various of 8 chart games. (You'll still have £30 spare by the way)
2 (That's TWO) Nintendo DS's.

Hell, for an extra £40 you can get the new PS3 Slim with 3 chart games. Need I go on? It's a ludicrous price for something that's desperately trying to be an iPod Touch/iPhone. The problem is, it's simply not as good and doesn't have any of those juicy apps that you can get from iTunes.

Now speaking of iTunes apps, Sony's latest idea to coincide with the PSP Go is PSP Mini's. To cut to the chase these are games that are available for other formats, such as the iPhone, which can now be downloaded for your PSP. The only problem is, the majority of them is crap. Quantity over quality will be Sony's downfall with the PSP.

Finally, the other problem I've had with the PSP from day one is the controls. They are so uncomfortable that it feels like it's trying to cripple my hands. It's like some sort of torture. You'd hope with experience Sony would right this wrong. But they haven't. If anything they've actually made it worse. From the moment you pick it up you just know that RSI (Repetitive Strain Injury) if you play it for longer than 5 minutes a week. It's just horrible.

I want to like the PSP. It's a good little idea, a good piece of tech and with the right people directing it would give the DS and the iPhone a good run. But until someone realises it's the software that's the issue rather than the hardware it's going to be a forgotten console mocked in 20 years’ time just like Betamax.

Save your money, buy anything on the list above.

Resistance is useless. Well, not useless...

2009-09-30T20:02:00.001+01:00

In honour of the clearly massive amounts of energy, time, money and Wagnerian brou-ha-ha that Muse have put into their new album, The Resistance, here is a short review. Or rather, ten semi-appropriate words to descibe it:
1. Overbearing
2. Inevitable
3. Monstrous
4. Show-off-y
5. Indulgent
6. Epic
7. Ambitious
8. Spectacular
9. Spine-tingling
10. Welcome
Anyone care to volunteer a word of their own?

The Punisher - What an apt name for this game!

2009-09-20T15:25:00.002+01:00

Well I've told you about what games to buy, so how about one not to buy? Well, let me introduce you to The Punisher.

Firstly, no matter what price you see this game for, including one lowly pence, do NOT buy it. You will feel like you've just been mugged the instant you reach gameplay. I am not even sure the English language is descriptive enough for me to accurately portray how poor this game really is. But I am willing to give it a go!

By looking at the graphics you would have an extremely hard time guessing that this is a next gen title. In fact it looks so bad it could've been created by a bunch of toddlers standing 6 foot away from a book of paint by numbers launching tins of paint at it trying to be as accurate as possible. It may have looked good once, but that would've been in the 90's on the original PlayStation. These days it’s simply not good enough.

To be honest the graphics are the last of its problems. The gameplay is nothing short of abysmal. You really have got to wonder who thought taking the gameplay in a kind of online only route but not needing to be online was good. Then you've got to wonder who then said "Great idea! Let’s do it!” Both should be tortured slowly for crimes against the gaming world.

Right the positives. There's nothing good about this game. There really isn't. It's just a waste of shelf space in the games stores and for those people who bought it, I understand your pain at buying something that will be the worst purchase you have, and ever will make in your life.

Utterly shocking. 0/10

Christmas Crackers!

2009-09-18T19:55:00.004+01:00

Well it's the time of the year that every single Publisher and Developer in the gaming industry relies upon, Christmas. With the global economy still in, or recovering from, a global recession this period is vital to the gaming industry as a whole.

Shoddy re-hashes will not do. Gamers want value and quality for their money these days and the developers will have to rise to the challenge. This attitude can be seen already with some of the bigger titles (Mass Effect 2, Bioshock 2, Aliens vs Predator to name but a few) being delayed until the New Year to allow for them to be completed to the desired quality.

Anyway, onto the games!

Number 1 on almost every gamers list has to be Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2. The first instalment was detailed and sexy beyond belief. If the new one is improved, evenly by the slightest amount, in every area then it will be worth every single penny of your money. Take a look:
Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 Trailer
And let's be honest, the best thing about COD is the online portion. I can't wait!
Available on Xbox 360 and PS3 on the 10/11/2009

Number 2; This is actually going to be a tie between two games. It is totally down to personal choice. Pro Evolution Soccer 2010 or FIFA 10. I have reviewed the previous instalments of these games so lets cut to the chase, the trailers!
Pro Evolution Soccer 2010 Trailer
FIFA 10 Trailer
Now, we all know that Pro Evo is playing catch up, how has it done? Only time will tell. With demos for both games now available on PSN and Xbox Live it's time to pick your winner.
FIFA 10 is released on the 02/10/2009 and Pro Evo fans will have to wait until 23/10/2009 for Pro Evolution Soccer 2010.

Ok so where are we? This next one is a PlayStation 3 only title. Uncharted 2: Among Thieves. The original was a bit of a sleeper hit when it was released a few years ago so SCE have a lot to live up to with this follow up. Early reports suggest that it doesn't disappoint, take a look:
Uncharted 2: Among Thieves Trailer
Now that looks pretty good!
Uncharted 2 is released on 16/10/2009

Now, every single person over the age of 25 will be drooling over this next one. New Super Mario Bros. Wii! Enough typing, just watch.
Super Mario Bros. Wii Trailer
Now tell me that won't make you feel 10 years old again on your NES. Dripping with retro but looking as nice as next-gen. What more could you ask?
Super Mario Bros. Wii is released on 27/11/2009

And keeping with Nintendo, The Legend of Zelda returns to the DS. After the critical success of The Legend Of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass we now have The Legend Of Zelda: Spirit Tracks.
The Legend Of Zelda: Spirit Tracks Trailer
The last instalment was the first game I ever played on the DS. I couldn't believe how simple yet addictive it was. It used every single function the DS had to offer, from the microphone right down to even closing the DS to perform tasks!
The Legend Of Zelda: Spirit Tracks is released 04/12/2009

Well there are the Christmas Crackers for this year. You know what to buy yourself and/or the kids. Come back very soon and you'll have a list of the Christmas Turkeys! Those to avoid quicker than your old Aunt with the goatee looking for her Christmas kiss.